2003-05-08 - 12:27 p.m.

Ah....it's been forever and a half. Sorry about that! Sometimes I don't update for eons....and sometimes, I add three posts in a day! -__- Ah, well...

Gotta go get ready, meeting up with Melissa, a friend from high school, at about 2.

But first, a little note......I first saw this when my brother had printed out a copy, several years back. And I thought it was rip-roaring hilarious.
However, it's normally only funny the first one or two times you read it. But it -is- quite funny! ^_~


Monkeys

I like Monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd, since they were normally a couple of thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them.

I like monkeys.

I took my two hundred monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really quite that bright, They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed! They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn�t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle soon lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later, I found out why the monkeys were so inexpensive. They all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.

God damn cheap monkeys!

I didn�t know what to do! There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs! I tried to flush one down the toilet. That didn�t work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead wet monkey, and 199 dead dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is, until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee, but there was a dead monkey in my toilet, and I didn�t want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only room in my freezer for two at a time, so I had to change them every thirty seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn�t go bad.

I tried to burn them, but little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the flame. Then I had one dead wet monkey in my toilet, two dead frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn�t improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt a little better. I tried throwing them away. The garbage man said that the city wasn�t allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one too. He couldn�t take it either. I didn�t bother to ask about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas presents. My friends didn�t quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like Monkeys.

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