2002-08-11 - 3:51 p.m.

So much has changed since I last wrote here.
I really don't care to go into details, and also, don't want to piss *SOMEONE* off if they happen to read my diary...>=(
Aimee and I are no longer together. The end. The close. Termination. Conclusion. Disenence. Period. Finis. Finale. Endpoint. Terminus. Omega. Fin.
However you say it, we're over.
Over two and a half long years of love, gone in a heartbeat. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's for the best...
Yeah, right. Then why the fuck does it hurt so much??
I've still got the engagement ring on, but on my right hand now. The emerald and diamond one is on my left hand now. I'd feel naked without the rings. I joked about selling them, but I know I never could, and never would. If I took them off, I'd have the permanent indentations they've left on my fingers. A constant reminder. It'll never go away.
Everything haunts me, and it's like she's in everything. When I sleep at night, she's in my dreams. When I'm sad or lonely, a part of me wants to contact her, reach out to her. *sigh* But she was never good for consoling me...she hated when I cried, and made me feel horrible about it. Would yell at me and make me feel miserable when I was feeling my worst, and most vulnerable. ...this really sucks.
My boyfriend, Josh...I don't know about him. He's so sweet and generous and all, but....I don't know. I guess maybe the fact that he thinks he's a lot better than he is annoys me.
And when I talk, sometimes he just completely ignores me. I'll ask a question, and he'll refuse to answer. I'll be like, "uh, Josh?" Silence. "Josh? What do you think?" ...Silence. "Josh??" Silence. "JOSH!!!!" And still nothing. It really pisses me off. >=(

I wish I could erase my memory of all Aimee and I had together. I wish it never happened. But, god, I was lost before I had her, and then I was so found...and I found myself in her, too.
But it was a constant struggle. I'd do all I could to make her happy, be sweet, be romantic, buy her stuff, make things for her...and I know she appreciated some of it, but she didn't to the extent that 99.99% of the population of humans would. She's been spoiled all her life by her parents, so she doesn't realize that nobody else is going to spoil her. She told me so herself...I'd make her food and she'd sit on her ass and I'd slave for her, and clean up her messes and blah blah blah blah and on and on and on...and she said, and I *don't* quote exactly, since I don't rememeber her exact words..."Look at my parents. They let me do the same thing, sit and be lazy and they'd do things for me, and they're not good people."
She just doesn't understand real life. Honestly. I tried so hard to show her the world, to show her life, and what it really was like... But she'd make me cry. I'd do everything for her, and she'd make me cry. And what did she do when I cried? Told me I was ridiculous, insinuated things, called me names when I cried. I cry. I have a heart. It is easy broken. Heh...I rememeber laughing about some Japanese/Korean stationery I had, and it said "tread softly, for you tread on my dreams." Well, it's true. She would never tiptoe over my feelings. She'd stomp on them, and trample them. Christ, I know people are ugly when they cry, but at least fucking humor me. That's not just what lovers do. FRIENDS, even not very close friends, comfort each other when one is feeling down. I'd ALWAYS comfort her when she showed me any signs of needing it. When her mother, who is responsible for physically parting us, made her cry...and this is a girl that never, ever cries, and because of things involving her, she cried at LEAST three times in a short period. And twice, I believe, were within a week or two of each other. I'd comfort her. When her mother and the unmentionable literally stepped over her as she sat there on the floor, crying, hating what her mother was doing to her...what was I doing? Holding her, comforting her, wiping away her tears, kissing her, rubbing her back, and saying things to try to make her feel better. And I reminded her I'd always be there for her.

It matters not if the problem is big or small, or if the person says they're crying for no reason because they don't want to talk about it...they're still CRYING, and they DON'T want to be made to feel MORE upset!! Everyone, when people are crying, comfort them. Don't shun them!
...then again...I think Aimee's honestly the only person I've ever met who would do such a thing as ignore a friend in need. She'd always say it was my fault, especially when I said I didn't know why I was crying.
Well, guess what! I'm n Effexor! I have clinical DEPRESSION! Of COURSE I'd cry for no reason before I got help from medication. Every little thing that happened to me in my life that ever made me upset would sometimes just suddenly come back to me, and I'd cry.
Hell, I cried when we had sex one time. I think it was an overemotional orgasm or something... =/
*sigh* I'm feeling almost sick writing this...
I've been just about sick lately. I'm weak, and don't have the physical energy I normally have, all the time. It's there sometimes, but not quite enough. I've lost all interest in food. My mom actually has to tell me to eat more. I get hungry, and I ignore it or forget it, and just don't eat.
I'm not getting more depressed, I don't think. I don't want to kill myself...I don't know what I want...
Well, some things, on a lighter note, make me happy. Like the fact that I walked in on a sale, and over two days, got $180 worth of clothes for about $46. That made me smile. And I'm starting to like how I look in clothes, with the exception of one little random pat of soft fat on the belly, above the belly button, that looks wrinkly, like I've been pregnant just in that spot. I need to use my brother's ab machine thing.
Well, anyway, I think I'm gonna go swimming with Josh today...and meet one of his friends.
I've been talking to some bi and lesbian girls online from the area, and perhaps I'll meet one some day. I want to find a girl who will actually appreciate all I'd do for her, and love the little notes I like to leave, saying how much I love her.........*sigh* But I wonder....will I ever love like that again?....

�

previous - next

�

Add your comments about today's entry!

Sign
Time for change! - 2004-02-04
Pay It Forward - 2003-08-10
CATS! - 2003-07-25
Happy 4th! - 2003-07-04
In Sirius Denial - 2003-07-01