2002-12-30 - 9:31 p.m.

You know how, after you've cried, you tend to get that sleepy, exhausted feeling in your eyes? Like you just want to close your eyes, and maybe have your day end completely. Right then and there, when the feeling begins.
Well, not surprisingly. I haven't been getting enough sleep lately, and I could really use a lot of shut-eye. So I think I'm going to keep this short...

I'm absolutely, without a doubt, utterly, 100% P A T H E T I C !
Honestly. I don't know what the hell's wrong with me sometimes...

I missed Matthew so bad today, after work. I wanted to talk to him so badly, and whenever I called, I just got his answering machine/voice mail message. Really annoying, especially since he made this message to *purposely* be annoying.
I just needed him so much...I don't know why, I just did....I wanted him so much tonight. But I couldn't...I couldn't have him.
I'm so afraid I'll never be his. =*(

Well, on that morbid, self-pitying note, I'm going to say I'm tired. Very tired. So I'm going to go downstairs and clean, then pass out. Must clean...hopefully, Matthew will be with me when the clock strikes midnight tomorrow night, bringing us into the new year, 2003...and he'll be coming back to my house. To spend the night. :)

...catch up with "you" later.


PS: Just another thought...uh oh...I've been thinking again...
Tomorrow night, if I'm with Matthew, that's what all my attention will be focused on. Him.
If he backs out, or cannot be with me when the new year rolls in, then, well, I won't say he's lost his chance...but I'm going to just try to forget his entire existence. I will NOT be taken advantage of again this new year! I will not be used, and psychologically abused! The old bitch hurt me enough...her memory will be slight. I will live for my best interest, and mine alone...*grin*

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