darkartscat.diaryland.com

Where Cat is, the weather is:

Grrr...stupid counter reset itself!! >>_<<

Prisoner of Azkaban movie:

2003-01-01 - 2:32 a.m. - 3:06 a.m.

Happy New Year!

I hope you all had a great new years celebration...
Mine wasn't so great.........where shall I begin? How about at the end...

I just got home...it's late, I'm tired, I'm pissed but calm, and I'm extremely hurt and disappointed. I just spent $120 to go and see Matthew and his damn cute ass...to find out what...? He came to the door, hair messed up................................yes, it was extremely obvious what he had been doing. I had been calling and calling and calling him, and got nowhere..........and I'm still not even sure if I can 100% believe his story. This "psycho" and "jealous" "friend," Jen, had been drunk, and didn't want to go home to her mother...and so she wanted to spend the night over. She was apparently supposed to drive him to the T, if she didn't get so piss-ass drunk! Fucking people DRINKING...see why it fucking pisses me off so much?? It impairs everything!!!! *SIGH*>

I'm very aware I'm rambling...but I really don't care!
*sigh* The sad thing is...I still love him so much...........that extreme "oh-I'm-so-in-love" tinge that was in my heart all the time has now vanished, and I'm not sure what it will take to get my trust.
But the hurt in his voice, in the silence that followed....he said, when I told him I blew $120 to come see him, and he offered to reimburse me, and I just shook my head and waved it off...(trust me, he WILL pay it back in other ways, I will make sure of that!)....he said "I'm glad to know I'm worth it," in an almost sad way...trust me, he wasn't being egotistical or anything, just trying to make a bit more light of everything, if it were possible. When he said this, I said all my heart felt, as I stared straight at the wall, completely opposite and turned away from him. "I thought you were." The silence that came from him was obviously filled with hurt...
I guess, perhaps, I was sort of glad I hurt him......but not in a sadistic way. I didn't want to hurt him, but since he had hurt me so much........and I was glad to know that my turning him down, right then and there, affected him. A lesser man would have just called me a bitch and left. But no, he showed he cared....that he really, honestly *was* sorry. In his eyes, I could tell. Even though he was smiling afterwards, when I brought him inside and showed him his gifts (which, of course, I made sure to tell him that he didn't deserve...and we sorta joked over what he was less deserving of...the sand that made the glass candle holder...the paper used to make the Yankee Candle Shoppe bag...the twine used to make the handle on the bag...and all the like...).......in his smile, it was obvious he was as upset as I. He doesn't love her, and this was obvious...

He said, when he came to the door, and saw me there...that he was so happy to see me there, but upset that I came just then....which, of course is understandable. But it's not really cheating, since nothing between us is "official." The "l" word was only used once, and it was when he said I loved him, and I kinda "corrected" him for using the term ;)

Anyway, so let me jump through it........I'm still wondering why the heck Zephyr was there. I need to Email him a list of questions or something...or perhaps I'll just let it go completely. Yeah, that is exactly what I think I'll do. He said he gave me his word that he'd call me tomorrow (well, I do believe he meant today...later today ;) ), and I told him I wasn't calling him. So if he really wants me, or even just wants to talk to me again, he has to contact me! I put a poor cabbie out of his route tonight, gave him $120 flat for a $153 ride, spent the transition to 2003 in the back of a cab, writing in the dark (I'll post up what I wrote here later....oooh, the prophetic cab driver! Bum bum bum! ^_~)........it was a horrid way to spend the first night of the year. But hey, then again.....it's a new year. I'll forgive the actions of tonight, or early this morning, rather. I mean, after all.....he lived in California. Right now, it is about to be 2003 in California. I won't officially count 2003 beginning until I wake up in the morning. =) So yes, Matthew, if for some reason, you're reading this....you are forgiven. But, Matthew, you will have to earn those gifts still...and you need to earn my trust, and my love. Because right now, I'm not 100% sure exactly how I feel about you. I forgive you, sure, and, well...I love you like a friend. But you made a comment before about me not being allowed to sleep with other guys, so, well............but two wrongs don't make a right. And, hell, well, fuck...he's good in bed, so, what the hell.........

But yes, he drove me home, in Jen's car, with her gabbing away, chewing his ear off in the front seat...and she spoke about me, when looking for directions, as if I were some kind of fucking invalid, or just not there. "I don't know what exit she needs," and the like. Ah, well...........my impression of Jen: She sucks. Matthew doesn't extremely like her....so now I don't like her. Humph!

Ah, the clock chimes 3! The time is now officially 12 am, January 1, 2003, in California. ^_~ So now begins the new year. Nothing of tonight will be mentioned, and everything I mentioned before will take place.
Ah, and I'm back on a diet. No non-diet sodas, no snacks and candies. Maybe I can't be a size 11, like I was when I was 15, but if I could have any juniors size 13 fit me, and be able to wear a size L top with no problem, without any tightness or unneeded rolls of any kind, or anything of that sort......well, then I'd be a cheerful little ducky! :D
I had dropped about 30 lbs, down from a grotesque 200 lbs, to a chubby 170 lbs. Now I'm probably somewhere around a steady 175. 5 lbs back on in a few months, not way too bad, but hey, I'm gonna be dropping off another 20-30 soon. Now that I'm a lower weight, becoming a more average weight for my height and body shape will become extremely easy! Okay, maybe not *extremely* easy...but I have the exercise stuff, and I WILL get the willpower....yeah, sure, candy's yummy, and wicked cheap at the liquor store...but I don't need it. Not any of it.

Well, tonight's about to be over for me....I'm going to go have my last no-no food of "2002," and go crawl under the covers, and read more of The Unofficial Guide to the Mysteries of Harry Potter.

...oh...and probably think of Matthew...

...I'm pathetic. Yes, I know.... >_<

New year, new beginnings, new chances.....new adventures, and spontaneous FUN, FUN, FUN! =D

�

previous - next

�

Add your comments about today's entry!

Sign
Time for change! - 2004-02-04
Pay It Forward - 2003-08-10
CATS! - 2003-07-25
Happy 4th! - 2003-07-04
In Sirius Denial - 2003-07-01